Last summer, I was a health star. I was walking for an hour twice a day and eating 3-5 small, healthy meals a day. I was motivated to lose weight and be healthy, and in just 10 weeks I lost 37 pounds, going from 239 to 202. I was certain I would break through to the 100's - hell, I was 2 pounds away by the end of July! But for whatever unknown reason, I gave up - and gave in. I was operating on sheer willpower, and for those 2.5 months it was my obsession. I thought about food all day long (as usual), but it was all about reading articles about healthy food and exercise tips. At the time it seemed as if I had finally had my 'aha' moment, and changed my life forever. But just as I had done every time in the past, I lost motivation and just stopped being healthy. I began to eat more and more of the awful processed foods, exercised less, then barely at all. At first I was so caught up in my food cravings - which had become stronger than EVER - that I barely even paid attention to the weight gain. It was slow enough at first, then began to pick up speed and before I knew it I was putting more clothes into the 'too small' pile in my closet. At this point, almost my entire closet (which is notably large) is 'too small' territory. It's more than embarrassing - just the thought of people reading about how much weight I have gained makes me want to, well - eat! But I'm not going to, I am going to blog. Because I have something important to say, and not just self-important. It's something people need to hear if they struggle like me. But more on that in my next post.
Ok, enough procrastination. Here goes.... In the past 10 months I have gained a grand total of 62 pounds. Holy shit, I cannot believe I just wrote that out loud... well out 'internet', anyway. For the mathematically challenged, that's 264 pounds. Yes - those people that you stare at in restaurants, snicker at as they order a diet coke (diet Dr. Pepper, to be exact), roll your eyes at as they walk into a fashionable store in the mall - that's me. There's simply no, ahem, wiggle room for anyone to euphemistically tell me 'fat? no, you're not faaaaaat'.... Well, I didn't believe anyone who told me that before, and now - well, look at me. You can't even get your mouth to form the words. I am obese. Sure I'm 5'7" with an hourglass shape and a large frame.... but none of that will save me at this size. Let's face it - I'm huge. Worse than that (if you can believe anything is) - I am unhealthy. In fact, I am the least healthy I have ever been in my life - and the heaviest. And most poignantly, the most sunken into food addiction. So much so that it has a hold on me strong enough that I have gotten where I am. I mean, how else could I possibly 'let' myself get here?? I know if you have never had food or weight issues, it is a difficult thing to understand. Lots of people who HAVE gone through something similar don't even understand. Hell, what am I saying - I don't understand!! But I am starting to - slowly. I have had a bit of an epiphany, if you will. And it is mindbogglingly simple - yet incredibly profound. But it's just a start. I have an almost insurmountable amount of work to do, but I'm not referring to time in the gym or calorie-counting (although that will most certainly play a role of course). It's a whole different kind of war than I thought it was, and the thing is - it applies to thousands, if not millions of people in similar situations as myself. In my next post (coming within the next couple days, since I am really chomping at the bit) I will explain the realization I have come to, and how I believe it can help so many people out there.
me now - at my all time highest weight of 264. The only positive thing I can say when comparing it to last year is that I like my hair a lot better :). And p.s. I look so sad here because when I smile my face looks even fatter. And let's face it - when it comes to how I feel about my body, that is precisely how I feel.
Well, now that I got the depressing part out there (as well as the hopeful & suspenseful part ;) I must make a special note. As with all other times in my life, my weight / food battle does NOT define me as a person. It affects my life negatively in many ways, but it could never erase the tremendous amount of joy I have in my life. I owe most (if not all) of that joy to my incredible family. My beautiful daughter is 14 months old, and just continues to get cuter each second. I love spending time with her and watching her grow - though I do wish she would slow down just a teeny bit! Life with her and my fiance really is wonderful. Luis Angel is an amaaaaaazing father to Xiamarae, and he and I are still as madly in love as we were in the beginning, almost 3 years ago. We had been planning on getting married for quite some time, but I was totally shocked when he formally proposed to me - in front of an auditorium full of people at a local wrestling event. Here's the link so you can watch for yourself :).
**special note here: something that is beyond helpful on the self-esteem front is that Luis loves me so unconditionally. He has treated me the same from when we met (I at 235 pounds), when I got down to 197, and here he is proposing in front of a room full of people to me at 264. He loves and supports me (and assures me that he IS attracted to me) at any size. Not that it's an excuse to gain uncontrollably - it's just a sense of security that I have never had in my life before meeting him. I want, and need - to get healthy and lose weight for myself. But something that makes it even more important is that I now have a family of my own to live and care for. Something I heard today was a woman whose weight loss mantra was "I love my kids more than I love food". How wonderful is that?? It is something I need to keep in my thoughts every day, because it is definitely true - I love Xia more than ANYTHING. It's time to prove it.
Also of very special mention is the love and support I get from my parents, siblings and extended family. I truly believe I am incredibly lucky to have been born into the family that I was, and I cherish the time I get to spend with everyone in my family. Yup, I'm the girl who looks forward to family get-togethers. I know I have the right support team to make the right choices for my health, and I intend to do so. I also intend for this NOT to be just 'another diet', or another 'health kick'. I want to take a look at who I am and how I can change, inside and out. Stay tuned for my next post to see how I plan on going about it. You may be a bit surprised ;)
-Kristy
